– An Adoptee’s View, by Mark Walter
This was originally posted in answer to a question posted by “Scarlett” on Forums.Adoption.com. She asked how adoptive parents would feel about their children choosing to be adopted back by their natural parents.
Every reply to Scarlett’s question, except mine, came from adoptive parents. Most expressed hurt, and could not understand why an adoptee might chose to be adopted back. In answer to their inability to grasp the “why” of this, I posted as response as an adoptee. Three people were interested in learning more about my point of view, but the rest simply attacked me personally, rather than addressing my comments. I was told to leave, told they didn’t like the term “adoptor,” told that despite what I said that I meant something else, and told that my adoptors were being treated disrespectfully, despite knowing nothing about my personal situation.
Ultimately, my comments were edited, and I was banned from the forum. I used another computer to log back in and copy my article. It is presented below. – Mark
Let me tell you why
I was adopted in the 1950’s. I was the answer to what my adoptors wanted. I have continued to be THEIR answer. They wanted children, a family, and those children to be raised and turn out a certain way – successful, college-educated professionals.
What was ignored in all this was the people we really are vs the people they wanted. What has continued to be ignored is the reality that we are, in fact, someone else’s children. My adoptors and I “reflect” each other in few ways – they do not see themselves in me, and I, of course, do not see myself in them. We have thus spent a great deal of time looking at each other’s actions and philosophies, saying, “Huh??”
We who have been adopted have been sentenced to carry out someone else’s wishes, carry on someone else’s name, and pretend as though all this is as natural a relationship as it would be had we been born to it. We have been assigned a role.
When I began searching for my mother, every manipulative trick in the book was pulled out to dissuade me from doing so. Again, concern only for what THEY want. When I finally found the mother only 18 years older than I, she wept for joy, and I have since had a relationship with her that every child should have with their parent.
The state on NY has continued to treat me as a perpetual child and piece of property by attempting to deny me rights to my adoption file and real birth certificate. Fortunately, I have Native American heritage, so am able to get these anyway.
So why would we want to be adopted back by our real parents? To set right the unnatural state of affairs created by adoption. Also, to reclaim a heritage which the state and our adoptors would deny not only us, but all future generations beginning with our children. In short to put an end to the lies and falsehoods created by adoption. We are NOT your children.
Don’t bother to waste time engaging me in a debate, praying for me, telling me I need “help,” or attempting to get me to see the “error of my ways.” All this has been done for over 40 years already. And as for prayer, no loving God would let happen to children what happens in closed adoptions. As to the adoptors’ pain – it doesn’t begin to compare to the pain created by the way our lives have been manipulated.
Remember, adoptors, you got the best of the deal. You don’t know how it feels to be us or our parents.