Many natural mothers who have reunited with their lost children find that their children have been (or are being) emotionally abused by their adoptive parents. This often takes the form of emotional blackmail being used by adoptive parents in order to try to prevent their adopted children from having a post-reunion relationship with their natural families. The natural mothers who set up this site observed serious emotional and psychological abuse in their childrens' adoptive families.

Emotional abuse is used in order to control and manipulate, and patterns of emotional abuse may pervade the parent-offspring relationship for many years even after the "child" has become an adult.

This form of abuse can easily pass from generation to generation, as adults may not realize that what they have experienced growing-up as being abuse: they may see it as being a "normal" part of raising a child. Most people know now that hitting a child with a belt is abusive. But people may not be aware that constant yelling, denigrating, and terrorizing also constitutes abuse.

All families should be aware of emotional abuse and work to prevent it from happening, or work to eliminate it from their personal family dynamic if it is already present. Natural parents may have to keep an eye open for signs of their child being emotionally abused and/or controlled.

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Excerpt from www.sa.agedrights.asn.au/prevent/forms_psych.html:

Psychological abuse is language or actions designed to intimidate another person and is usually characterised by a pattern of behaviour repeated over time, intended to maintain a 'hold of fear' over the other person.

Emotional abuse can include:

Emotional blackmail Intimidation Threats of restricting access to others Threats of punishment or abandonment Withdrawal of affection Denying the person their rights Humiliation	Blaming Name calling Insults Silence Shouting Coercing

(Information in this section © Aged Rights Advocacy Service)

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These are books on recovering from emotional abuse. If you have found that your child is being abused by their adoptive parents, then you may wish to suggest these in order to help your child identify abuse, recover from it, stop letting it control your relationship, and build a healthier relationship as well with the adoptive family.

• Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward "... Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating relationship patterns learned at home. "
• Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier ""If you really loved me..." "After all I've done for you..." "How can you be so selfish..." " Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want."
• If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth "Research shows that behaviors and traits exhibited by adult children of controlling parents include the following: depression, low self-esteem, distorted self-image, eating disorders and other addictions, stress-related health problems, inability to sustain an intimate relationship, and more. While this may seem like a heavy lot to handle, Neuharth maintains there's always hope of overcoming the past and changing yourself--even if it means making the drastic move of cutting off contact with one or both of your parents."
• An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal by John C. Friel Ph.D.,and Linda D. Friel M.A. "A practical guide to begin dealing with the pain and trauma of being raised in a dysfunctional family."
• Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer, MA, MFCC
• Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen, Helen Marx, Thomas Moore "Claiming that emotionally abusive relationships are widespread in marriages, families and the workplace, French psychotherapist Hirigoyen illuminates the subtle, insidious relationship that "emotional abusers" and their "victims" evolve."

Online Resources:

• Emotional Abuse information from Health Canada. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
• Emotional/Psychological Abuse - from the U of T Counselling and Learning Skills Services
• Psychological abuse: Children's invisible suffering -- from the Centre of Excellence for Child Welfare, a project of Health Canada
• http://www.safechild.org/childabuse3.htm (Coalition for Children)
• Information for men who may be being abused by their partners.
• Information for women who may be being abused by their partners.
• http://www.actabuse.com/patterns_abuse.html Patterns of Emotional Abuse
• http://thingsarelookinup.com/Abuse/test.shtml Emotional Abuse Checklist
• http://www.verbalabuse.com "The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. They are psychological scars that leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges."
• Dysfunctional Families: Recognizing and Overcoming Their Effects (by Kansas State University Counselling Services)